Sandy can’t you see I’m in misery…

Sandy can’t you see I’m in misery…

You put us in a state of emergency. But I still have all my classes tomorrow. whats up with that? The elementary school across the street…yes ACROSS the STREET is closed. I understand that it is just rain, but since we are in a state of emergency and people should not be driving, how can you hold classes. That makes no sense. ESPECIALLY since there is a red cross shelter on campus for people in the community and OFF CAMPUS students whose apartments have been flooded or whatever due to Sandy.

Maybe if Sandy drank or swore or ratted her hair and didn’t get ill from one cigarette, we wouldn’t be having this issue now.

and of course I had some grease references in this post

Growing Up: Love, Loss, Relationships, Pressure

Originally I created this blog to express my life as a college student and blog about normal college kid things, but as I began to blog the posts became more depressing and uninteresting. So I stopped blogging until I had a clear head again. This isn’t a diary, where I write what I’m upset about and also I don’t want everyone to know what is wrong with me. So now I’m back after a while of not blogging. Although this blog will still be personal, it won’t deal with the darker side of my thoughts, thats nothing anyone should read…even myself.

 

After my freshman year of college ended, I started to think about how different it is to be a freshman in college than it was to be a senior in high school. Many people don’t think it’s that big of a change, but this is when you find out if you can make it out on your own or not. It is not easy to be away from your family, especially when you get seriously injured or when you lose a loved one. That I think is the hardest of all, not being able to go home for a funeral because you are too far away and don’t have a car.

 

As you get older, you learn a lot more things about people, especially family members. When you are a child, you don’t know about all of the family drama. you are sheltered from most of it, but as you get older you are told more and more? Why is that? I know I always wanted to know what was going on, but now that I am old enough to know, I wish I didn’t . It’s hard because when you find out news that should be happy and exciting, but you know the history behind the people, it is hard to be happy and not resentful.

I wish I could have traveled through time and told myself when I was a child to just wait and not rush childhood because growing up is hard. People make it look easy and fun, but it is hard work and it isn’t always happy. As you get older you are faced with harder choices, more susceptible to injuries/ illnesses (or maybe that’s just me), but having your youth is something that should be cherished and not rushed. I wish I knew that when I was 8 years old.

THE BOOK OF MORMON

OH MY GOD!!! I want NEED to see this show. It is probably one of the better musicals that came out this past year onto Broadway. The music is amazing…although there are some minor coincidences with the music. For example during the one of the songs, You and Me (But Mostly Me) at 1:38 in the song there is a chord progression that is very similar to Stephen Schwartz chord progression used in Defying Gravity at 4:24 from the Smash hit Wicked. Aside from that one issue, I think that this show is amazing! Too bad it is sold out until 2013. 😦 But I plan to stand outside the box office next week as early as possible to get Standing Room Only tickets. I don’t care what it takes, or how cold I will be. I NEED to go see this show! If I have to wait until 2013, I might cry hysterically because I can not stop listening to the soundtrack. I think I’ve listened to it nonstop for about 3 weeks. It’s insanely amazing.

Anxiety

I have never suffered from anxiety. I’ve always had a conscience but never had panic attacks. Yes I may be a bit OCD at times, but never anxious for no reason. These past two years have been a roller coaster of emotions  for me. Never did I think thought that I’d have anxiety to the point where I wouldn’t be able to sleep without cold medicine. Last week I had 4 panic attacks in a span of 5 days. That isn’t normal. It is normal to panic but not to the extent where I am in a fetal position crying hysterically or uncontrollably shaking in class. I don’t know why I have this anxiety, but I do…it sucks. I just hope it goes away and I can get more than 8 hours of sleep for this week. (8 is the total number of hours I have slept for this entire week so far.) Something is wrong with me and needs to be corrected. I don’t think I’ll be able to take it and just keep trying to act like it’s nothing for much longer.

 

On a lighter note. Spring break is in 7 days and my birthday is in 10…so I’m excited to be home and celebrate with my family, although my birthday involves going to a doctor to follow up on my stomach issues.

All Things Happen for a Reason

I made the mistake of not breaking my walls down to actually opening myself up. Over the past 3 years, I have become a completely different person. I feel in love with a boy and thought it was going to last. I was told that we were going to be with each other forever. He told me he loved me and I believe he truly did. Over the past year, our relationship was faced with tough perils, too hard for two 18 year-olds to have to deal with. He was with me though my worst times: my moms sickness, death, and my depression, but I guess I wasn’t there for him. My depression took over my life. I was upset and did take it out on him. I know it was wrong, but that’s how I deal with sadness. I push those I love away. I love this boy but I know that it is for the better, as of now. I hope that one day we can be friends again because we have been Best Friends for 4 years. I’m sad the relationship of almost 2 and a half years is over, but I really upset the I lost my best friend. Maybe at some point down the road our paths will cross again. We loved once, and maybe if I have a little faith we will love again. And if all I get out of this is a life lesson, it was a lesson well learned. I’ll miss my best friend and my rock but it’s time I grow up and figure out who I am before I can be with someone.

FINALLY Performing AGAIN!

So as a sister of Delta Zeta, our chapter takes part in Greek week. I am not sure what Greek week is exactly, but I do know that there is a part called Greek Sing. That is where the sororities and fraternities, pair up and compete against each other. Our theme is Disney and I couldn’t be any more excited that I already am!!! I love Disney, singing, dancing, and just performing.

It has been 6 months since I have last performed on a stage and I am itching to get back there. Although it really is more of a dance performance rather than an acting thing, I am so excited to be a part of it!

Performing has always been a HUGE part of my life, hell I’ve been performing in front of crowds since I was 6 years old. Hopefully I will start hitting the gym and with the dancing twice a week I will get back into shape.

I can’t wait until April to perform, but I’m so glad I am still able to. Last year I tore most of my ligaments and tendons in my right foot/ankle, I  am just so blessed to have healed and am able to keep dancing. I missed the stage and I think it’s about time I shine again.

Starting to Become Impatient

I know I’m young and no where near getting married…yet, but recently weddings, babies, dresses, and puppies have been on my mind. Since I began dating my boyfriend about 28months ago, almost 2 and a half years, I’ve begun to seriously consider marriage. I mean we are both young and have a lifetime ahead of ourselves, but I think he may be the one.

He is the one I can always go to, talk to about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, play video games with, and  just be 110% myself. He is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, although we may fight and argue a lot, it is because we are both so passionate about how we feel, and both too stubborn to back down.

As Valentine’s Day approaches, I am wondering what he is getting me. Personally I’d love a necklace from Tiffany & Co. for either V-day or my Birthday because I want him to prove to me that he is serious about wanted to spend his life with me. I know it sounds a little materialistic because I want Tiffany’s to prove that he loves me, but when you get jewelry and only wear it once and then it tarnishes, I’m sorry I think I deserve a little bit more of an effort than that on a gift, ESPECIALLY when I put out $100-200 on almost every occasion there is a gift to be given for. Alex (that is his name) has given me beautiful gifts, which I cherish and love but I wish he would just take that extra step and get me a gift that will blow my mind.

He tells me he is serious about being with me all the time, but then buys me cheaper jewelry. I know he loves me but I wish he would just go above and beyond just once because I always go over the top for him on every holiday! I feel like it should be a give and take, but yet I give give give while he just will give. I just hope I don’t have to wait forever for a Tiffany & Co. Necklace from the man who claims to want to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

What else can go wrong?…today

I know my life can go much worse than it has, but recently I feel like I’m getting the short end of the stick. This is my day so far:

1. Wake up with horrible neck pain and feeling like crap because I couldn’t fall asleep
2. My boyfriend is being distant and mean.
3. My math professor has shown up to 3 out of the 5 classes and is giving us a quiz on a lesson that I don’t understand.
4. My acid reflux is acting up when I eat any type of food.
5. Meetings that are all about drama in the group.
6. My 4th roommate for my apartment next year, just told me that her mother refuses to sign the papers…she has had the papers for a little over 3 months and reassured me it was good to go.

I know there are a ton of things that could go wrong like I could be deathly ill, have cancer, break something, or have something horrible happen to someone else…but recently there hasn’t been much happiness and joy in my life, and I feel myself slipping further and further away from everyone. Closing myself off to them and becoming quiet. I don’t have many people to confide in and I don’t want to dump my problems on them, but at this point I just need a good day. I hope hanging out with my sisters on friday. These girls are amazing and I can’t wait to build such a stronger relationship with them all. My life right now is a mess and my boyfriend isn’t there for me and that’s the hardest part of this whole thing.

Emotions

Why is it that music, television, and movies hold so much control over our emotions? Why is it that we allow it to be that way? We are all individuals with our own thoughts, but yet I find myself getting upset over the smallest things. For example, this morning I was watching Ace of Cakes. They did a cake for the men and women in the USO, but it wasn’t just for the soldiers but for the families…I found myself tearing up at the reaction at the unvaling…I am not sure if it is because I’m worried about my boyfriend becoming a fire fighter or his thoughts of enlisting. Even as the day went on,  even now, I listen to Pandora and I want to cry listening to some of my Showtune channels…the songs aren’t even that sad.

My emotions are on my sleeve. I just hope I stay strong because in a little over a month is spring break.  For any normal college kid that’s a great time…not for me. I get the joy of going home (I’m excited), but on that first Monday home (the 12th), I get to go to a doctor for my stomach, who is going to send me for lots of tests…and the worst part about it is that Monday is my birthday. Happy birthday to me…sitting in a doctors off getting told what else is wrong with my body and why it is rejecting medicine and making me sick.

It’s funny because although I didn’t plan on getting this sick both semesters, it has done nothing but make me work harder academically, but this time I’m worried. This semester is more classes, more responsibility, and I’m getting fewer nutrients that normal into my system. I guess I’m generally worried about what is going to happen when I go home and that is why I am so emotional, but who knows…maybe I’m just being a girl.

Is Anyone Really Innocent?

As I sit here and watch The Shawshank Redemption, I wonder if innocent people are really innocent OR are they guilty and just haven’t been caught yet? This question has no answer because you can see both sides of it. Yes, people are innocent because they did nothing wrong, but on the other hand everyone is guilty because no one is perfect. Until someone proves to me that they are perfect with not one flaw in their existence, then I will change my view. But until then everyone is guilty, they just haven’t been convicted of their guilt.

It’s funny how a movie can make your mind wander. How you can just go from a simple thought to an elaborate blog post. It’s funny the way the world works. There are reasons for everything, reasons for why you chose the school you did, who your friends are, who you date, and what your interests are.

****On a side note I just realized that this movie was used in a Family Guy episode! (I love family guy!)*****